Grief

Hello You Beautiful Soul,

This is a picture of my son.  My daughter drew it.  It’s called Grief.  When I first saw the picture a couple months ago, it took my breath away.  I felt sad.  I can feel my son’s sadness through his eyes and it struck me in my core.  At first, I also felt confused.  Why did my daughter draw a picture of my son when she was given an assignment to draw anything on the subject “Grief”?  I’ve always associated the word Grief with Death. I had to look up the definition – “Deep sorrow”.  I also looked up synonyms – sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain, distress, heartache, agony, suffering, despair.  It made sense.  

My son has always had a lot of energy, even as a toddler, he never was able to sit still.  Running around, impulsive, couldn’t focus and hard to get him to sleep.  He’s very smart, but began to get in trouble at school in Kindergarten.  Teachers were telling me: “Gianni won’t stop talking, he won’t sit still, he blurts out, he talks over everyone”.  Over and over again, we heard it from teachers and we witnessed it at home.  Intuitively, I felt he was was out of his control so I decided to get him tested.  After 6 hours of testing, Gianni was diagnosed as having ADHD.  A child with ADHD, the doctor explained, has a brain like a Ferrari race-car engine with bicycle brakes.  The brakes are not strong enough to control the powerful brain so it sometimes races past places where you mean to stop, or you ignore instructions you mean to hear.  So in other words, a person with ADHD cannot inhibit incoming stimuli, which causes him to be distractible, and he also cannot inhibit outgoing impulses, which causes him to be impulsive or hyperactive.  

At first, I felt relieved. I had the answer and now I could “do something” about it.   For the next two years I read everything I could, changed Gianni’s diet, used melatonin at night to help him sleep, used essential oils, did crystal healing, meditation, lots of love and affection.  Nothing seemed to work.  As months went by, he became angry, really angry and developed Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD).  Gianni couldn’t control his impulsivity, he couldn’t slow down his brain and because he couldn’t slow down his brain, he became frustrated.  The more frustrated he became, the more he got into trouble at school and home.  He couldn’t express his emotions and became defiant.  He took it out on us – his mom, dad, step-dad and sister.  We all felt it.  It put a strain on our entire family.  I felt helpless.  I felt guilty that I couldn’t help my son.  I felt sad my son was struggling and I couldn’t help him.  I felt scared that I didn’t have the control.  

For the past few months I’ve been processing all these emotions and our family has been transitioning with big changes to help Gianni and each other.   Through this journey, I have learned the true meanings of Surrender and Sacrifice, of letting go and allowing God to take the wheel.  

It has been a rocky road, but I am hopeful. As I say goodbye to 2018, I am grateful for all of my experiences.  I keep connecting with the lotus flower, which grows and blooms so beautifully, while drawing nutrients from the murky water.  It is these challenging experiences that bring me strength, allowing me to grow and blossom.  I am ready with open arms and open heart to welcome 2019!

Happy New Year and Much Love,  

Dena